My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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