you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
then he tried to convert me to islam
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
