what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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