If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
