"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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