I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
