Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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