If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
