did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
