Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
