Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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