Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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