I could make wine with my vomit
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
