dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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