I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
