it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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