Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
