I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize