I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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