i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
