When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
