The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
