i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My ATM looks so different sober.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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