2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
