Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
