i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
