I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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