Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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