oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize