I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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