I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Randomize