can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
