I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
