I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
