Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
