I am puke
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
