i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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