My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
