Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
