Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
