Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
