i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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