apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize