i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
