he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
