no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
