dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
