once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
