For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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