still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize