Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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