I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize