I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
