I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
