your parents love me but you hate me
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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