I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
