Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
