He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
