respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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