Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
