im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
