Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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